By Allen Young

My inbox is crowded every morning with letters from strangers who have largely devoted their lives to improving two areas of my life: suggesting that I enter into the stock market and/or enlarge the size of my penis. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to research these worthwhile endeavors, because I check e-mail while sipping coffee and getting ready for class. But the other day I received a letter that could not be easily discarded, an e-mail that begged further investigation—it was from the police, at least, it was originally from the police…I received it from my mother, who received it from a friend in Oregon, who I can only assume was singled out by the Medford Police Department to obtain this serious warning:

Subject head: Don’t flash headlights at any car with no lights on them!!!

“Police officers are advising people driving after dark not to flash their headlights at oncoming cars. This is a common “Bloods” member “initiation game” that goes like this: The prospective gang member drives along with no headlights, and he must track down the first car that flashes headlights at him and murder every individual in the vehicle. Police Departments across the nation are being warned. Make sure you share this information with all the drivers in your family! Please forward this message to all your friends and family members to inform them about this initiation ritual.”

Pickled Jesus, I thought. These ruthless thugs must be desperate for stock advice and/or bigger penises! It’s unfortunate that everyone doesn’t subscribe to a UCSC e-mail account. But I’ve heard of this initiation practice before, when I was a kid we had a similar variation with pogs and dog poo. What I’ve since come to understand is that these unspeakable acts of traffic barbarity are not confined to the Western states. Across the country, vicious bandana-wearing gangsters delight in their own deadly versions of the flashing lights game.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, for example, police officers warn citizens not to get behind someone driving for an extended period of time in one direction with their turn signal on. And whatever you do, cautions the Louisiana State Police (LSP), do not flip on your turn signal to see if they get the idea. This is a common initiation game of the Little Rascals, the most hostile gang west of the Mississippi. The Rascals have been known to slam on their brakes suddenly, allowing the innocent motorist to come skidding into their car. And while the bloodied victim slumps unconsciously over in the drivers seat, the angry rugrats pour three-day-old mayonnaise down his throat before the ambulance can arrive.

Residents of Pierre, South Dakota, are well aware that the worst thing to do to a person not using his/her right-of-way at a four-way intersection is to give the “go-ahead” wave. It is common practice of high-ranking members of the Last Samurai’s to wait at a crosswalk until someone bids them the “go ahead” hand motion. Within seconds, the sword-yielding knights surround the victims’ Chevy and begin tossing confident woodpeckers at the windows. The driver is then pecked to death by an army of rabid birds injected with testosterone AS14.

Even here in the Bay Area, warns the California Highway Patrol (CHP), when someone lets you into a congested lane, best to identify that person’s heritage before extending your hand out the window for the “thank you” wave. For years now, certain members of the Bantu tribe have been infiltrating the areas surrounding San Francisco and engaging in a terminal battle roughly translated as “Car Wars”. The Bantu – natives of Nyanza, Kenya – began immigrating to California in the late 90s.

They have adapted to our modern society quite well, but sometimes a slight miscommunication in body language from an unsuspecting American can quickly turn bloody. In the Kisii district of Nyanza, rival tribes such as the Luo, Kipsigis, Nandi and Maasai make the call for mortal warfare using a gesture not dissimiliar to our “thank you” wave. The CHP has reported several instances over the last few years of naïve motorists, only wishing to come across as courteous drivers, being savagely speared to death by families of panicked Bantu.

Please forward this letter to all of your friends. Gone are the days when we can alert our fellow drivers to act more catiously and friendly. Don’t innocently believe that the various minorities we share the roadways with are also driving to work, school, or the grocery store. They are NOT like us. They WANT TO KILL US! Please, friends, take care of yourselves. Enlarge your penis today with this special perscription to Viagra!