Dear Laye Texx,
As a trans girl, I’ve been feeling a little disheartened on dating apps. It’s a struggle to keep up confidence in my body when I feel like things are still in a work-in-progress state, but I also don’t want to wait to have romantic and sexual experiences in my life. How do I avoid feeling shitty about myself while still being open and searching for new kink, sex, and dating experiences in the trenches (Hinge)?
Sincerely, Miss Anna Swing
I hear you love. I’ve made my way through the online dating sphere, and it’s safe to say that it is not an experience for the weak. Online dating feels like a humiliation ritual, and not the kinky kind. But even worse, it can be a violent hit to one’s self-esteem. You don’t know ego death until you get ghosted by your latest Hinge match.
Online dating is hard enough, but especially when you’re trans and/or queer, your options are even more limited. Everything feels vulnerable and intimidating whether or not you’re looking for more than just a hookup. And not to speak for all the dolls out there, but it’s disproportionately difficult to feel confident in yourself as a trans girl even without the pressure of online dating. That being said, it’s a fine line figuring out your own boundaries while exploring your sexual fantasies.
Waiting for a conversation to move past the “I love your style!” phase can be brutal, but you don’t have a Hinge hookup due at midnight, so take your time. Not to be controversial, but getting off of dating apps can immensely boost your self esteem. There’s someone out there for everyone, but when it comes to the circles of hell (the apps), it might be better to search for experiences elsewhere.
While I would personally love to help you figure out your needs on our own time, defining boundaries requires self-exploration. It’s damn near impossible to let other people explore your desires when you’ve barely explored them yourself. That being said, one avenue you can find solace in is getting into some more niche porn. I’m talking about finding homemade trans creators. Sometimes, just seeing someone who is in a similar position as you can be incredibly reaffirming that a healthy, open and kinky time is possible for anyone.
There are many misconceptions surrounding the sexuality of trans women that lead to the fetishization of transfems, but no one can define your boundaries but you! Finding trans friendly spaces where you see people take control of their sexuality — as opposed to letting internet spheres define who they should be and what they should be into — can be the inspiration you need to be more confident in your body.
Self-exploration also looks like moving away from the production of sex. Let’s be real, porn doesn’t encapsulate all the dynamics of sex, so sometimes you have to take things into your own hands. It can be fun to build an experience for yourself like putting on something that makes you feel good and exploring your different erogenous zones. Figuring out what you and your body like can give you confidence in bringing in another person, or maybe two.
Teaching someone how to take care of you the way you enjoy and deserve, is half the fun, if I do say so myself. It’s all about the experience, not the performance of cishet monogamous bullshit. If the vanilla life is too boring for you, then take a note out of my book: be open and ready to communicate your needs. Have sex the way you want to, in a way that makes you feel sexy and confident. Good sex requires communication, and it all starts by having that dialogue with yourself.
As always, if you ever need a little more hands-on guidance, you can use this link to submit your questions, anxieties or things you’ve been fantasizing about.