Hi Laye Texx,
I don’t know if this is the right place for this but my question essentially is how do I go about dating as a gay asexual man? All my relationships start with my partner telling me that they’re fine with a purely romantic relationship before realizing otherwise later on. I’m tired of people acting like I can be converted out of asexuality or being told that I won’t know if I like it until I try. I’m pretty open about my sexuality and what I am and am not willing to do, yet I always feel as though I have to kill a part of myself in order to be loved.
Sincerely, Mister Aaron Ace
First off, this is definitely the place for your question. I am here for all things relationships, intimacy and drama, not just sex.
Second off, I hear you, babe. Wanting to be desired and accepted is completely human, and you should never feel like you have to shed a part of yourself in order to accomplish that.
I want to clear up some misconceptions about asexuality for my readers. Asexuality is often described as a spectrum because people experience sexual desire, or lack thereof, in a ton of different ways. Like, come on — it’s not a crazy concept. Some people only experience sexual attraction after they have developed a romantic connection or gotten to know someone. Others rarely experience sexual attraction or don’t experience sexual attraction at all.
Now notice how in the realm of asexuality, there is no mention of having zero interest in romantic relationships? A lot of asexual, or ace, people want romantic relationships.
Asexuality is not something to be fixed. Especially coming from the queer community, we know all too well how it feels to hear the comments of “you just haven’t found the right person,” or even, “I could change you.” Don’t piss me off!
Also, intimacy and what is sexual to someone can vary in so many different ways. We live in a hypersexual and heteronormative society that defines queer people as perverted and sex-addicted. It’s about time we think about what our wants are and where our boundaries lie. You don’t need to play by the rules when the rule book wasn’t made for you.
Aaron, you are literally doing everything right. Open communication and clear boundaries are necessary in any relationship. Nobody should be trying to dictate when, or if, you want sex. As with any relationship, trying to convince someone to do something when they’ve said no is gross and not okay. It’s shit that you have gone through that, but you are not alone in those experiences, or even in the experience of feeling like a part of you needs to be erased to be loved. Trust me, that’s not the case.
Relationships require all parties to have self-reflection and self-knowledge. If someone is not able to do that, like, let’s say they tell you they’re comfortable with the boundaries you set and then turn around and make you the problem … fuck ’em! That’s not a reflection of you needing to change, it’s the other person being an asshole. So don’t settle! I mean, you’re obviously a catch if you’re reading my column.
In case I haven’t been clear, dating apps and me have a pretty toxic relationship. I’m in a cycle of deleting Hinge, then redownloading it and asking myself after two weeks why I ever signed up again in the first place. But in some cases, the apps can function as a sort of supplementary strap.
Now, don’t take this as your sign to get on a dating app, but I am saying you gotta think like one. So let’s fantasize a little bit and pretend we are making a profile together. Do you want to pursue both ace and allosexual people? Do you want to pursue one or the other? Do you want commitment? How do you like to receive intimacy and be intimate?
Am I basically writing a fanfic about creating a dating profile? Well, yes! But being single and knowing what you want means you can be confident in a relationship. If there are red flags, don’t get stuck wearing rose-colored glasses — you’ve got to trust your gut. Whoever it is, that person just isn’t the one, love.
As always, use this link to submit your questions, anxieties or things you’ve been fantasizing about. 
