Hi Laye Texx,
I’ve recently had a lot of conversations with friends about “faking it” and performing a certain way in bed. It seems like a lot of us either feel like sex needs to be spruced up for someone else, or feel anxiety that we aren’t sprucing it up enough. I wonder how many of us face this an(se)xiety and whether or not we should be feeling it in the first place!
Thank you,
Fake it Fanny
Thank you for coming to me, the one and only Laye Texx. If sex-xiety was a person, I can confidently say most couples would be having threesomes.
I wish I had an equation for perfect sex. If I did, I’d copyright it, quit my job as a writer and move to Fiji. Alas, there is no combination in bed that automatically equals mindblowing, toe-curling, falling-in-love-at-first orgasm. Sex portrayed in movies and porn can give us an idea that all great sex involves toys, moaning, intense facial expressions and sometimes roleplay. While this can be hot, it is not a requirement.
Before diving into it, do you know where this sex-xiety is coming from? Is it the other person and your relationship with them? Or is it more internal, your set belief that there is one right way to perform in bed?
Knowing where the feeling is coming from can make it easier to address (or undress).
Let me get raw and real with you: faking it isn’t confined to one gender. Although stereotypically associated with women, it’s something most people have done at least once. Not to air out dirty laundry, but some guys I know have chosen to spit in condoms or on their partner’s back to make it seem like they finished.
It circles back to the need to “perform” for a partner because a common misconception is that if you can’t cum, you’re dysfunctional or unattracted to them. Yet if you’re both performing, where’s the fun? It’s like a bad play in which neither person can find the exit out of the theater.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe with my heart, soul — and ass — that honesty is the best policy, but that doesn’t mean faking it can’t have its benefits. Sometimes the sex is plain bad and pretending your G-spot is on your inner thigh is fine knowing the Uber is on its way.
But beware, if this becomes routine, it can be difficult to find what feels good. Getting candid with a partner is sexy, and coaching can be even sexier. This goes for a committed long-term relationship or a one night stand. 
Let’s talk about what’s become the “norm.” The media has portrayed “vanilla” sex as boring and even yawn inducing. What’s the point of a headboard if no one’s tied to it? Missionary is out, and BDSM is the hot new thing. But your sex life isn’t bound to what’s trending, and it’s okay to keep it simple. Don’t feel the need to moan and try ambitious sex maneuvers if you don’t want to. I’m all for experimentation, but if you can’t put your legs up to your ears, it doesn’t mean you earn an “F” in sexology.
At the end of the night, sex isn’t a “who can cum first and loudest” contest, and your partner(s) are not the judges. Sprucing up is for home renovation, not intimacy, and is certainly not something you should feel you have to do for someone else. When you’re enjoying yourself, the rest will follow. The best and most stimulating sex for everyone involved is the sex that you’re excited to have. 